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Is it worth it?

Is it worth it? We ask ourselves everyday, is it worth it? But who has the answer? Us? You? Me? Truth is I have no idea and right now I am lost in my own head. I am going through this constant battle of what to do when to do  it and if it is actually going to help or make things worse. There is so much happening around me at the moment I do not know where to turn or what I am doing and everyone else is so lost in their own problems that I become invisible. I do not remember the last time someone wanted to meet up with me, I am wasting away in my room, never going out never doing anything. What a life to live.

Moving on to the initial question before we get side tracked by my own selfish needs, I need to know is it worth keeping hidden to protect myself from society or is it time to attempt to be happy. Everyone tells me I wont be happy until I start living the life I want but how will that help when my family will disown me and never want to see me again? How could I live a happy life without family around me? Then the reply tends to be if people can not accept you then you do not need them in your life, but if that person is your mum then you do need them, no matter how much they hurt you and how horrible they are at the end of the day family is family. So I am stuck.

I was a lot happier for awhile, everyone used the correct pronouns, but it has a died a death now and a lot of my friends have given up now. It hurts knowing you have this identity issue and are in the wrong body and want to change and you cant because its still seen as odd and there’s nothing you can do about it. No one quite understand how it feels, being held prisoner in your own body, your own head, never being able to show your true self. for 19 years not one person yet has met the real me, not even me. They are up there behind the bars in my brain, I just keep telling myself that one day I will be free. I just don’t know when or how this will happen.

If you know someone who is trans and struggling please give them a hug and tell them how brave they are, it will mean a lot to them.

Blood, sweat and tears

Fight night is not far away now, only 3 training days left and the training has just become hardcore. It is no longer just weak punching and body sparing, everyone is out for the kill, no one wants to lose. It is getting tough, the coaches aren’t letting up it is just work, work, work. I have never felt fitter and better about myself than I do right now, however, I am starting to realise this fight is going to be brutal. I bust my nose up the last two times training, same girl each time caught me smack bang in my face and there was blood. Nose is feeling a little sore today but I am not going to let that stop me. I need to buckle down and learn to keep my hands up because if I don’t my opponent is going to get a very easy win. It does not help that I have a nose that sticks out from my face like Pinocchio.

Having said all of this I am still very excited. It is all for an amazing cause, everyone is raising money for their chosen charity and the night will be a laugh between friends. We all get along really well, I don’t know if this will make fighting each other harder or easier but we will soon find out.

I had a melt down after training the other night, I didn’t know if I could do it anymore. It is pushing my body to it’s limits, both physically and mentally and I wanted to throw in the towel. I hurt like hell and could not think of a reason to keep going, it seems stupid putting myself in harms way to raise money when I could just do a run or cake sale. But then I remembered why I signed up and how much it means to me to do this and it is just 6 minutes. After those 6 minutes I never have to get in a ring again. I need to complete it now I have started, not just for myself but for everyone. I am raising money for cancer research which will affects us all one way or another so I need to do it so I can say I have done my bit to fight cancer. Excuse the pun.

If anyone was thinking of doing pink or white collar boxing I say do it. It is an amazing experience with brilliant people. I have never felt fitter or stronger than I do right now and it is all due to the intense training. I am sure after my fight I will keep training just to stay fit. Wish me luck for the night, because I am going to need it.

Come on Come out

No one understand the pain of coming out or waning to come out or feeling like you can not come out unless you have been through. Everyone around you who knows already will sit and say just come out you will feel better for it, but they do not get that it is not that easy, it is so hard. They do not see the disappointed faces of once loving parents when they realise their little girl is not their girl anymore.  Before I told my mum I was gay, 3 years ago now, she had heard it from someone else and said that she was upset because she had heard a ‘horrible rumour’ about me. A horrible rumour, those two words have stuck with me ever since and if that was a horrible rumour image what she will think when she finds out her only daughter is actually her son. It is a feel that nothing can compare to, I can deal with being hated and disowned but I can not deal with more disappointed looks. It is the look you get that says I love you I do i just hate what you are putting me and this family through, it makes you the family freak show and no one wants that. All I want is a family that I do not have to hide from, one I feel comfortable expressing myself to, but I don’t and I never will. It is eating me up.

When starting life, no one gives you an instruction manual on how to fix your problems, no one explain all the pain and hurt you are going to have to face, all the people you will lose, all the hate you will get. No one is there to say mate life is going to throw everything it possibly can at you to try and pull you down, and then you will see there is two options. One you give up, you end the pain, you end the hate, you end everything or two you keep going, you push through, you do not let it pull you down. So far I have pushed on but one person can only deal with so much before it eats them up inside. I need to let it all out, I want to tell the world I am not a girl and save myself from more pain. However, this will only save me from having to hide, it will not save me from peoples reactions to coming out.

We all have a story and a life that we are living. Everyone’s is unique to them and everyone goes through different experiences, both good and bad. It is this that shapes us as a person and right now I want to make a difference.  I want to make someone’s life better that it currently is. My generation I believe is going to conquer coming out. No one is going to feel the need to ‘come out’ when my kids are my age, and you know why. Because they will live in a society that does not care whether you’re gay, bisexual, lesbian, straight, non binary, male, female, gender neutral, gender fluid, transgender, people will accept people for people, we will use whatever pronouns that person wants and everyone will love whoever they want to love. My kids will not have to come home and tell me they are gay, they will come home and introduce me to their boyfriend or girlfriend and I will treat them with the utmost respect.

One day I will come out and live the life I want to live. But before that happens I want anyone reading this and feeling the same as me to realise you are not alone. There is always someone to talk to, keep looking up something good maybe just around the corner.

Fight Night

So if you have read my past blogs you will know I recently decided boxing sounded like a fun idea. I am doing a boxing match to raise money for charity, and I am loving it. It is surprising how thrilling it is either being punched or doing the punching, you do not feel any pain because of the adrenaline pumping through your body. I have never experienced anything like this and I am so buzzed by it all. No one wants me to carry it on after the boxing has finished but I think I am going to have to, it is like a drug, I am addicted to the rush. Exercise now is top priority, I can think of nothing other than when the next time I am going to work out is. It is like a drug and an obsession which may or may not be good for me, I haven’t decided yet. Either way I am loving it.

I can not wait until my fight it is going to be the best feeling in the world. I need to find a name, I am currently toying with The Destroyer or KO and maybe Basher. However we will see. I also need an entrance song but I think I have this sorted, I mean it has to be Eminem and Go to Sleep has the most perfect lyrics for a fight. If anyone was thinking of doing either White collar or Pink collar boxing all I can say is go for it, you will not regret it. Yes it is hard yes you get hit yes there are times you wonder what the hell you are doing, but at the same time it is amazing.

I just thought this would make a change to the normal rants about being transgender, however doing sport is not always the best thing when inside you are a guy but physically you are a girl. I feel wrong hitting a girl but I am not allowed to fight men as I am not yet a guy. To me it seems an unfair match when I go against a woman and I do not necessarily agree with it but there is nothing else I can do about it. In the future I hope there are sports clubs for trans people like there are for gay/lesbian people so that no one else undergoes this moral crisis that messes with your head.

Is this just a fantasy

I have not posted anything for awhile now because me coming out as trans has died down and it seems to have faded out. I am struggling to keep up this ‘phase’ as people often refer to it as being. I am beginning to give up on everything, I am no longer sure that it is worth all the hassle. Yes I know I should be who I want to be and ignore everyone else’s opinions but I cant. I have not actually received any hate since I came out but everyone seems to have given up using the correct pronouns for me and I do not like correcting people all the time. I want to be able to tell my family because then I feel I could begin the change properly and everyone would have to start using he/him pronouns due to being an actual guy.

I talked to the transgender officer at university and he was very helpful at making me feel less like an alien. He encouraged me to join the LGBT society at uni so that I could meet others in the same boat as me. I am hoping once I join and I have a group of friends around me who understand exactly what I am going through it will make things easier.

I feel like I should stop pretending it is all running smoothly and being trans is great because it’s not and I should go back into the closet until I move out and no longer have to worry about how my family will respond. Then I think about how long I have been hiding for and whether I can cope hiding for much longer. I wish I could talk to a professional about it all, if anyone has experience with counsellors I’d love to know how it went.

Other than all of this that is happening the rest of my life is actually going pretty good. I finished two big essays the other day and now just have one essay and a presentation left before uni is over for the year. I am so pleased with how I have done this year and hope next year runs just as smoothly.

Counselling: yes or no?

I have recently started doing an intro to counselling course because I am looking into a career in counselling. However, I have had no experience with counsellors at all. I also know that being trans, when I want to have hormone treatment and operations I have to go talk to a therapist first. I have always been very against this idea because as a person I am very closed, I keep myself to myself and do not tend to let people in.  I am aware that my fears stem from stereotypes about therapists. I have this view of sitting on a sofa and them repeatedly saying ‘and how does that make you feel?’ I know it’s crazy and something I need to get over but I am hoping doing this course helps.

There always seems to be very mixed views about counsellors whether they actually work or not. People always say if I have this doubt and fear about them then why do I want to do it as a career, and the answer is I want to do it better. I do not want to be a typical cliched therapist who clients loathe going to. I want to be one who breaks down barriers and helps people to live a happy life.

For whatever reason I am living life in the wrong body surrounded by incorrect stereotypes and pronouns and I feel trapped. I feel like I am not the person I want to be and I can not be that person until society chills out about people not living up to the stereotypes of their gender/sex. This has pushed me to want to be someone who helps people feeling like they can not be happy for whatever reason and help to put that right. No one should have to be unhappy in this world and I want to stop it.

Back to my issue of actually going to talk to someone, if anyone has any advice or tips to give me I would appreciate it. Let me know of any reasons you like or dislike counselling.

Facial hair tricks

I have never worn make up and have no idea what any of it does because well I am trying to be masculine why would I. However, over the last few days I have had some free time and decided I’d watch some tutorials on youtube on how to make myself a more convincing dude and found myself, for the first time ever, watching make up tutorials. I am still very confused and feel I will need some female assistance at some point, but I am attempting to give myself the illusion on facial hair.

I can not say it is really working for me however basically I am covering my jaw in brown mascara. On a girls face we supposedly have baby hairs and to be honest you can feel them. To give the appearance of facial hair you out mascara that matches your hair colour on these baby hairs and boom you have a beard. Apparently. Right now I just have make up smeared across my face and no make up wipes. How do girls do this every day, you all have earned my respect with this because it is hard work.

If any of you dudes out there have more tips on how to look more masculine I would really appreciate it. In the mean time I will continue my make up master piece and let you know the end result. I am going to call the woman in my life to help me.