Blog

Getting there

So more people now know about who I am and are being amazing with my pronouns. I feel like a guy now not a girl. My girlfriend is my rock, she corrects everyone when they get my pronouns wrong, she always gets it right and tells me that I am looking more masculine. It is nice being able to tell someone about it all and she gives me advice as well as that she sits and will help me research the process. I have never had the support that she is giving me, or at least I haven’t felt like I have. I am starting to be happy and comfortable in myself, which is all I have ever wanted.

I have a friend going through the same as me and he has just changed his name at college and I was so over joyed for him and now I want to be able to do the same. So, for the first time ever I have actually started telling people at uni who I am and it is one of the best feelings. I still feel I cannot tell my family but hopefully there will come a time I do feel comfortable enough to tell them and I will be able to live the life I have always wanted.

Things are looking up.

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My Voice Just Isn’t Right

So being trans has its pros and its cons, as my girlfriend pointed out the other day one positive to being a trans male is I know what it feels like to have a vagina where as cis males do not. But the downfall I am concentrating on today is my voice.

Now there is nothing wrong with my voice and I do not actually sound that girly and I could live with it. However, now be ready for this, I could turn myself off during intercourse listening to myself because I sound like the girliest girl in the world and it bothers me a hell of a lot. I don’t really know how to stop it or change it without freaking me and my girlfriend out so if anyone has tips for making me sound more masculine I’d appreciate it.

I have read about training my vocal chords to be deeper by making myself talk deeper and if I struggle with that singing the male parts in songs can teach you how to get your voice lower. The main problem here is I get so embarrassed with how feminine I sound and I don’t want my sex life to be affected by it. That’s my current problem anyway, so life is good if this is the only thing bothering at the moment.

 

Up, Up and Away

When people say things will get better, it isn’t a lie. Things do get better it has just taken me a while to realise how to make that happen, but I have managed it. I am honestly so happy right now with my life, everything is going according to plan. I have a career, I am at uni, I have a beautiful horse, a supportive girlfriend and my squad. I have been so hook up on wanting my family around me I forgot that I don’t need blood relatives when I am friends who treat me like family.

Everything is going back to normal, people are beginning to use the right pronouns and I am starting to feel human again. I still have an issue with my mother but that is going to take awhile and I just need to wait it out. Someone said to me the other day they hope that one day they can say they have a happy life. I am now starting to believe that it is possibly to lead a happy life, and one day I hope to have my own family home which is just full of laughter and smiles. It sounds a little gay saying it out loud like that but that is what I want.

I also have commitment issues which is more than likely why my relationships always mess up. However, recently these are going. I used to get in relationships and have the mind set of ‘this isn’t going to last, I’m still a kid, it is just fun for now.’ Then I hit 18 and I have had a year of panic about how I am now an adult and meant to be finding ‘the one.’ I have friends engaged, with kids and living together and I am still here thinking I have years before I need to get serious. Until now. Recently these thoughts have started to change and I have started to think about the future without getting into a blind panic. I am sure this is all down to the girl I am dating currently, who is very independent, got a good job and a house and its made me realise that life is not really that scary. Having a family and coming home each night to the girl you love doesn’t seem so bad anymore. I mean I pretty much do that now, I can’t remember when I last slept at home.

So this is my updated life and all is good. If there is anyone trans reading this who could give me tips and how to feel more like a guy I would appreciate it. Bye for now.

Is it really worth it?

Is love worth being hurt? Is being happy with the pain when it ends? Is being high worth the fall? What goes up must come down, we all know this yet we all still go climbing to find something which I am not sure even exists. I am still searching for that self content and satisfaction, apparently once you reach this all your problems are solved. I am living off of the hope that this is true, but I really do not believe it.

Want to know the worst thing about doing psychology at uni? I know why I am down in the dumps and I know exactly what a therapist will ask and what I will answer and how they will respond. If I know all of this and cannot help myself, how the hell is a stranger going to be able to help me. They will take one look at me and go nope. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I want to be happy again but how can I be when everything feels so wrong.

I have a gorgeous girlfriend who does everything for me, a great job and I am at uni, yet that still isn’t enough. I still haven’t found myself. Nothing will be right until I can finally be who I am meant to be. That may just be years away.

When to turn

How can you keep going knowing you have ruined someones life? I didn’t mean to, I never meant to hurt her, I loved her, I just didn’t want to argue anymore. But this was never meant to happen. She was meant to get over me, meant to hate me, meant to have friends who love her and support her. I want to help, I want to support her, but I can’t. I need to know she is okay. But no one else understands. No one knows her like I know her. I feel helpless. I tried to talk to my friends about it, but they don’t get it. They tell me to just get over it and she will be okay in time, but how can I get over this?

I shouldn’t be allowed to date, I can’t deal with breaking someones heart. I just want to give her one last hug and tell her everything’s going to be okay. She just needs to be told that everything will be okay. She doesn’t want advice. She’s an independent girl who can get by on her own, without help. All she needs is encouragement from friends telling her that things will get better and that they will be by her side. Why can’t they do that.

Please be okay. I know you will read this. I am still here, as a friend, if that’s what you need.

Identity

What is our identity? How do we learn what our identity is? Can it change depending on the situation we are in or is it always the same? These are the questions I am asking you however I am not looking for the answer. ┬áNo one can tell me who I am, and you can not tell anyone who you are. Be you. And if the world tries to change you or if society disagrees then lift your chin high and tell them where to go. You are perfect. We have our flaws, we make mistakes, we will never please everyone, but as long as you please yourself, and you are happy with yourself then that is the only thing that matters. Life can be rough, whether you’re black, white, gay, straight, religious, trans, ginger, or a mixture, we all face problems so do not single people out for their differences, love them for your similarities. And I can promise you, you will have more in common with that stranger you just walked past than you will know.

Anyway, I got a little bit side tracked. Basically I am at a loss with who I am. I have lost my identity completely, I don’t even know how I want to dress anymore. I have lived a lie for so long about who I am and I finally stopped and thought I had gotten over a huge hurdle and now I feel like I didn’t get over it instead I crashed and burned very dramatically. I need somewhere to turn to help me back up but I know I am the only person who can help me so I just need to get it together really. I feel like I take 1 step forwards and then 10 steps backwards.

I am pretty sure I am a male trapped in a woman’s body, but I still question it every 5 minutes because once I have come out and I change that’s it for life that is who I am going to be. It is like getting a tattoo its permanent so how do I know for certain that is who I am. I am not good at big decisions.

Going through changes

So I lost the one I loved by being a dick and now its ended and I will never get her back. Now I am back to square one, no one knows I am trans so I am back to being a butch lesbian instead of someones boyfriend. I can not go through this all again, telling someone I am actually transgender, I did it once it was hard, not again. Change is the worst thing in the world and that is all that is happening at the moment.

So yeah I like a girl but she may or may not be straight, it is a little unclear but she is not a fan of the trans thing with other people we know, this could be a problem as I will be forced to hide back under a rock again. And I know I shouldn’t but I will have to because I have no other solutions right now. I no longer want to be the freak, I have also been a freak of nature, I am ready to be normal and to give into society’s rules. Urgh. No one understood like her, okay she was crazy and mad but at least she supported me, I now have no support from anyone for anything because I hate opening up to people and letting people in and now I have to do it all over again. And for what? To get hurt again?

Anyway, I managed to get a 2:1 for my first year of uni and I wanna thank everyone for their help really appreciate it. I am over the moon with it because I have really struggled with essay writing however all my hard work must have come together finally. Now it is time to relax and celebrate. Which I have done very successfully over the past week.

Final change is I have picked up some old bad habits since my break up and I feel myself spiralling out again and I do not want that to happen. I get into places in my head I don’t want to and I get trapped without an escape. I just need someone to hold my hand and say everything is going to be okay even if it is not. Things are tough, life suddenly got hard but I can do this I have to do this.