Blog

This is my reply

I have no way of contacting you, I tried texting but you don’t reply, I don’t know if my number is blocked or if you just ignore me. So this is my reply, I hope you see it.

Hearing you talk about everyday stuff is just what I have needed. I am so proud of you and your class, I never doubted them or you. Yes I still use the Netflix, thank you, I am currently watch Atypical while writing this. Thank you, I am so happy with my uni results, I tried so hard and I feel like it is finally paying off. Please tell me how you get on in your A level results, and don’t leave to Blackpool without a goodbye.

I will make sure the boys know you miss them and they will get extra treats. It isn’t weird you still have that photo at all. If you need a friend I will always be here, like you said, I know you better than anyone.

I have no idea who I am anymore, I’ve covered it up for that long I think I have even convinced myself I am someone I am not.

 

Is it really worth it?

Is love worth being hurt? Is being happy with the pain when it ends? Is being high worth the fall? What goes up must come down, we all know this yet we all still go climbing to find something which I am not sure even exists. I am still searching for that self content and satisfaction, apparently once you reach this all your problems are solved. I am living off of the hope that this is true, but I really do not believe it.

Want to know the worst thing about doing psychology at uni? I know why I am down in the dumps and I know exactly what a therapist will ask and what I will answer and how they will respond. If I know all of this and cannot help myself, how the hell is a stranger going to be able to help me. They will take one look at me and go nope. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I want to be happy again but how can I be when everything feels so wrong.

I have a gorgeous girlfriend who does everything for me, a great job and I am at uni, yet that still isn’t enough. I still haven’t found myself. Nothing will be right until I can finally be who I am meant to be. That may just be years away.

When to turn

How can you keep going knowing you have ruined someones life? I didn’t mean to, I never meant to hurt her, I loved her, I just didn’t want to argue anymore. But this was never meant to happen. She was meant to get over me, meant to hate me, meant to have friends who love her and support her. I want to help, I want to support her, but I can’t. I need to know she is okay. But no one else understands. No one knows her like I know her. I feel helpless. I tried to talk to my friends about it, but they don’t get it. They tell me to just get over it and she will be okay in time, but how can I get over this?

I shouldn’t be allowed to date, I can’t deal with breaking someones heart. I just want to give her one last hug and tell her everything’s going to be okay. She just needs to be told that everything will be okay. She doesn’t want advice. She’s an independent girl who can get by on her own, without help. All she needs is encouragement from friends telling her that things will get better and that they will be by her side. Why can’t they do that.

Please be okay. I know you will read this. I am still here, as a friend, if that’s what you need.

Identity

What is our identity? How do we learn what our identity is? Can it change depending on the situation we are in or is it always the same? These are the questions I am asking you however I am not looking for the answer.  No one can tell me who I am, and you can not tell anyone who you are. Be you. And if the world tries to change you or if society disagrees then lift your chin high and tell them where to go. You are perfect. We have our flaws, we make mistakes, we will never please everyone, but as long as you please yourself, and you are happy with yourself then that is the only thing that matters. Life can be rough, whether you’re black, white, gay, straight, religious, trans, ginger, or a mixture, we all face problems so do not single people out for their differences, love them for your similarities. And I can promise you, you will have more in common with that stranger you just walked past than you will know.

Anyway, I got a little bit side tracked. Basically I am at a loss with who I am. I have lost my identity completely, I don’t even know how I want to dress anymore. I have lived a lie for so long about who I am and I finally stopped and thought I had gotten over a huge hurdle and now I feel like I didn’t get over it instead I crashed and burned very dramatically. I need somewhere to turn to help me back up but I know I am the only person who can help me so I just need to get it together really. I feel like I take 1 step forwards and then 10 steps backwards.

I am pretty sure I am a male trapped in a woman’s body, but I still question it every 5 minutes because once I have come out and I change that’s it for life that is who I am going to be. It is like getting a tattoo its permanent so how do I know for certain that is who I am. I am not good at big decisions.

Going through changes

So I lost the one I loved by being a dick and now its ended and I will never get her back. Now I am back to square one, no one knows I am trans so I am back to being a butch lesbian instead of someones boyfriend. I can not go through this all again, telling someone I am actually transgender, I did it once it was hard, not again. Change is the worst thing in the world and that is all that is happening at the moment.

So yeah I like a girl but she may or may not be straight, it is a little unclear but she is not a fan of the trans thing with other people we know, this could be a problem as I will be forced to hide back under a rock again. And I know I shouldn’t but I will have to because I have no other solutions right now. I no longer want to be the freak, I have also been a freak of nature, I am ready to be normal and to give into society’s rules. Urgh. No one understood like her, okay she was crazy and mad but at least she supported me, I now have no support from anyone for anything because I hate opening up to people and letting people in and now I have to do it all over again. And for what? To get hurt again?

Anyway, I managed to get a 2:1 for my first year of uni and I wanna thank everyone for their help really appreciate it. I am over the moon with it because I have really struggled with essay writing however all my hard work must have come together finally. Now it is time to relax and celebrate. Which I have done very successfully over the past week.

Final change is I have picked up some old bad habits since my break up and I feel myself spiralling out again and I do not want that to happen. I get into places in my head I don’t want to and I get trapped without an escape. I just need someone to hold my hand and say everything is going to be okay even if it is not. Things are tough, life suddenly got hard but I can do this I have to do this.

Liar, Liar, pants on fire

The two things I hate most in the world are liars and cheats. Which in my opinion is perfectly understandable. So when someone lies to protect you, they are not protecting you they are just prolonging the pain. If someone is straight up with me, what they have to say may hurt but I am grateful they told me. However, if they don’t tell me and I the find out it hurts more because they have done something I am not a fan of and then lied about it. That means rather than one thing happening that upsets me there are two things. Hope that makes sense and you are keeping up.

The next thing. Cheats. Okay so it could just be a misunderstanding but it is one hell of a thing to get wrong. I get called paranoid but then stuff like going to parties and your partner kissing someone that isn’t you happens, I think I have a right to worry. She has never given me a reason to not trust her but now she has and now I am just ‘paranoid.’ Oh that’s something else I hate ‘I just.’ It is also followed by something bad but the word just is meant to make it seem less bad. I am angry blogging can you tell.

So that’s my moan on liars and cheats but here’s the big one. I want to feel like a person. I currently feel like an object. I AM TRANSGENDER. This means he and him pronouns if you please. Now, I can not remember the last time my girlfriend used those pronouns. Even her friends come up to me and ask me how I put up with it. I’m getting tired of it. She is meant to be the person who loves and supports me and at the moment I feel like a tiny little insignificant spec in her life. No one should feel like this, and I tell people and everyone says dump her, leave her, she doesn’t deserve you. But I am a doormat and I keep thinking no things will change, things will get better. Maybe they will, maybe. I keep holding on to maybes and one more chances.

Anyway she will read this soon message me some abuse about how I got all my facts wrong and she is unable to defend herself and I will tell you where I am at next time.

Peace out.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it? We ask ourselves everyday, is it worth it? But who has the answer? Us? You? Me? Truth is I have no idea and right now I am lost in my own head. I am going through this constant battle of what to do when to do  it and if it is actually going to help or make things worse. There is so much happening around me at the moment I do not know where to turn or what I am doing and everyone else is so lost in their own problems that I become invisible. I do not remember the last time someone wanted to meet up with me, I am wasting away in my room, never going out never doing anything. What a life to live.

Moving on to the initial question before we get side tracked by my own selfish needs, I need to know is it worth keeping hidden to protect myself from society or is it time to attempt to be happy. Everyone tells me I wont be happy until I start living the life I want but how will that help when my family will disown me and never want to see me again? How could I live a happy life without family around me? Then the reply tends to be if people can not accept you then you do not need them in your life, but if that person is your mum then you do need them, no matter how much they hurt you and how horrible they are at the end of the day family is family. So I am stuck.

I was a lot happier for awhile, everyone used the correct pronouns, but it has a died a death now and a lot of my friends have given up now. It hurts knowing you have this identity issue and are in the wrong body and want to change and you cant because its still seen as odd and there’s nothing you can do about it. No one quite understand how it feels, being held prisoner in your own body, your own head, never being able to show your true self. for 19 years not one person yet has met the real me, not even me. They are up there behind the bars in my brain, I just keep telling myself that one day I will be free. I just don’t know when or how this will happen.

If you know someone who is trans and struggling please give them a hug and tell them how brave they are, it will mean a lot to them.