I cannot keep going and doing this anymore.
Things are getting hard.
All I want is love and support from family and all I get is turned away and told to cheer up, or get over myself, don’t look so sad.
Oh yeah that all really fucking helps thank you.
I guess I want something I have ever had and will never have, a mum that loves me. But we cannot have everything can we.
Things get better, but when?
If you are not familiar with the term packer or packing you probably have no idea what I am talking about. If a girl says man you’re packing, just take the compliment. But, on a more serious note, I have bought a packer. This is basically a fake floppy penis, its a bit like a soft strap on. He is a Mr Limpy but I think I am going to name him Trevor. Anyway, getting side tracked, I am so excited! For once I am going to know what it feels like to have a penis. It was described as being able to pass a groping test, in other words it feels real. So now I am going to have some amazing ass bulge without having to sick socks inside my trousers.
Update on the name situation. My tutor at uni now knows and the information is being passed on to my course leader next and then sent out to each of my lecturers. It is all going well, and I cannot believe it is actually happening.
Dreams come true, you just have to follow them and not leave them to chance.
Yes I am cringy but I am happy so leave me to be cringy for a bit.
Just got to face telling my family and a GP next…
So today I had my meeting with the support officer at university and it was possibly one of the best and the worst experience I have ever encountered. To keep them anonymous I am going to use them/they pronouns. They were very understanding and supportive and understood how I am feeling. They didn’t try to push me to be a male now or a female, they asked lots of questions to work out how I am coping and how I am dealing with it. They told me a lot of what I know already, but after the meeting they emailed me sending me lots of links and information to read through and look at over this week before I see them again. I honestly feel so much better now that’s the first hurdle over, actually telling someone and getting the ball rolling. My name is getting changed and uni and they are looking into toilets I ca use. Just need to tell my family now.
The real Chris.
For once this isn’t actually a gay post, unless you think musicals are gay. I miss going to see shows, I’m sat listening to a playlist which has 400+ songs from many many musicals, all original casts of course. I went to a performing arts college you cannot blame me, I spent my life surrounded by musical theatre students ramming it down my throat and I may have fallen in love with it… There is not many things that give me goosebumps, my girl does, my horse does and watching a show and listening to people sing live. Now, I used to go every month watch amateur shows, I was not always the nicest to the actors at the end, but now I am not watching them I honestly miss it, and I never thought I would. So I think it is time to go try and get some of them back and see if there’s any shows soon and take my better half and hopefully she will feel the same as mean.
But in the mean time I am going to do a karaoke sesh on my own with Avenue Q and Rent I think tonight. I want to go watch Bare again.
Only look forwards, because that’s where we are heading. In this life the world keeps turning, whether we want it to or not, and we are here for the ride. Therefore don’t fight the past, that has been and gone, it’s time to let go and move to the next step. This is exactly what I am doing. I am looking into the future, where the happiness is. I am looking for graduate jobs, Phds, and houses. I am determined to get this degree, get a doctorate and get my own place to bring up my own family. And that day comes closer and closer with every passing second. I will finally be me. I am going as soon as I have the money and I will never look back. The future holds so many possibilities which I need to grasp.
This process is starting now. I have emailed my support worker at university and I have set up a meeting to talk to them about gender dysphoria. This is it, I am doing it, I am going to come out. Even if it isn’t family yet, it is a start. They will be able to help and support me and push me to the right places. This is the biggest obstacle I need to overcome so far. I have always struggled to talk to professionals, but I need to face this fear and just do it.
So wish me luck guys, it is time for a change,
In my lectures we have been looking into social psychology and mental health, in particular the causes and coping mechanisms. We were looking specifically from a socialists point of view which is all to do with in-groups and out-groups, don’t worry this isn’t a psych lecture I do have a point I am going to make. In simple terms everyone is part of a group, well various groups. For example I am part of the LBGT group, I also am part of my uni so that is another group, I am a student, family and friends can be groups also. As you can see everyone is in a so called in-group, that’s the group you are part of and the out-group is anyone else.
To have a steady mental health you need a strong group of people around you and you have to be a salient member. This means it has to be important to you, you form the group identity and follow their norms/values. If you do this they will return physical and mental support, they can give guidance and advice, they give us a sense of self worth and belonging, and meaning to life. I do not have this, I do not have a group or a feeling of self worth. I struggle everyday to decide where I belong and where I fit in, I’ve never had a group around me that I have felt completely integrated in. I have always carried my own unique values which have never fitted in with others, the only group I could ever be seen as part of is the ‘loner’ group.
Being alone is how we punish people. If someone commits a crime, they go to prison, aka solitary confinement. This lack of social contact can break someone down completely, it makes people very psychological vulnerable. And this is where I am right now. I am in a state of vulnerability. I need help, to rely on someone, and I am getting help and support from my better half but can two unstable minds keep each other afloat? That’s the stupidest question in the world because we can and I know we can but can we? Is love really the key in this , does love really fix everything? I could sit and research psychology all day in so much depth and find theories and models to help me, but I never find anything about love. Can you mend a broken person just by holding their hand? Just from a single smile? When that certain person looks at you, gives you a nod and grin as if to say ‘everything’s going to be okay,’ all the daemons leave. It all goes silent. Still. At that moment it is just you and them at that connection between, nothing is broken. But it is, but time feels like it’s stopped so you can push the broken bits to the side for a single moment to embrace this love.
Are you suddenly fixed? Or is the pain just muted for awhile? I guess what I am trying to get across is a group of friends or family to support you is ideal, but even so it is not a cure. In my opinion having support makes it easier to face problems but it doesn’t make them go away. And it isn’t just a group of people, if you have a strong connection with a single person to the point where you’d lay down and die for each other then they may be all you need. There is always someone there to help you, no matter how alone you feel, you just need to find them.
Chris is out.
I haven’t written anything for awhile now but I have recently started year 2 at university and it is already work, work, work. Every spare minute I have I am reading a journal for psychology, but I am loving it. We recently discussed the bystander effect and why people don’t intervene when they seem a crime happening, in particular murders. It is fascinating. We are also looking at brain development and how we learn. I love looking at what makes people tick and how we all work. Not looking forwards to my assessment though, presentations are not my thing.
I also joined the Pride society, which I thought would be an awesome idea as I would find people ‘like me’ and have someone to talk to. But my plan fell short when I remembered I have major anxiety so I am never actually going to go to any event they do due to not being able to talk to new people. This is really starting to get to me, I have never been able to make friends because of anxiety but I thought I had gotten over it, obviously not. However, I did start talking to a girl in one of my lectures the other day, so I was proud of myself for that, if anyone has any tips on getting over anxiety I would love to hear them.
Things are never easy and I am starting to realise they will never be easy, but easy is for the weak and I am not weak. I can pull through and I will keep going because I have to, to prove to myself I am okay and to show the world I am. I plan on leaving as soon as I have finished uni and starting up some place new where no one knows me and just starting over. Lets see how that goes, it isn’t far away now.
Over and out.