Going through changes

So I lost the one I loved by being a dick and now its ended and I will never get her back. Now I am back to square one, no one knows I am trans so I am back to being a butch lesbian instead of someones boyfriend. I can not go through this all again, telling someone I am actually transgender, I did it once it was hard, not again. Change is the worst thing in the world and that is all that is happening at the moment.

So yeah I like a girl but she may or may not be straight, it is a little unclear but she is not a fan of the trans thing with other people we know, this could be a problem as I will be forced to hide back under a rock again. And I know I shouldn’t but I will have to because I have no other solutions right now. I no longer want to be the freak, I have also been a freak of nature, I am ready to be normal and to give into society’s rules. Urgh. No one understood like her, okay she was crazy and mad but at least she supported me, I now have no support from anyone for anything because I hate opening up to people and letting people in and now I have to do it all over again. And for what? To get hurt again?

Anyway, I managed to get a 2:1 for my first year of uni and I wanna thank everyone for their help really appreciate it. I am over the moon with it because I have really struggled with essay writing however all my hard work must have come together finally. Now it is time to relax and celebrate. Which I have done very successfully over the past week.

Final change is I have picked up some old bad habits since my break up and I feel myself spiralling out again and I do not want that to happen. I get into places in my head I don’t want to and I get trapped without an escape. I just need someone to hold my hand and say everything is going to be okay even if it is not. Things are tough, life suddenly got hard but I can do this I have to do this.

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