Is it worth it?

Is it worth it? We ask ourselves everyday, is it worth it? But who has the answer? Us? You? Me? Truth is I have no idea and right now I am lost in my own head. I am going through this constant battle of what to do when to do  it and if it is actually going to help or make things worse. There is so much happening around me at the moment I do not know where to turn or what I am doing and everyone else is so lost in their own problems that I become invisible. I do not remember the last time someone wanted to meet up with me, I am wasting away in my room, never going out never doing anything. What a life to live.

Moving on to the initial question before we get side tracked by my own selfish needs, I need to know is it worth keeping hidden to protect myself from society or is it time to attempt to be happy. Everyone tells me I wont be happy until I start living the life I want but how will that help when my family will disown me and never want to see me again? How could I live a happy life without family around me? Then the reply tends to be if people can not accept you then you do not need them in your life, but if that person is your mum then you do need them, no matter how much they hurt you and how horrible they are at the end of the day family is family. So I am stuck.

I was a lot happier for awhile, everyone used the correct pronouns, but it has a died a death now and a lot of my friends have given up now. It hurts knowing you have this identity issue and are in the wrong body and want to change and you cant because its still seen as odd and there’s nothing you can do about it. No one quite understand how it feels, being held prisoner in your own body, your own head, never being able to show your true self. for 19 years not one person yet has met the real me, not even me. They are up there behind the bars in my brain, I just keep telling myself that one day I will be free. I just don’t know when or how this will happen.

If you know someone who is trans and struggling please give them a hug and tell them how brave they are, it will mean a lot to them.


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