No one understand the pain of coming out or waning to come out or feeling like you can not come out unless you have been through. Everyone around you who knows already will sit and say just come out you will feel better for it, but they do not get that it is not that easy, it is so hard. They do not see the disappointed faces of once loving parents when they realise their little girl is not their girl anymore. Before I told my mum I was gay, 3 years ago now, she had heard it from someone else and said that she was upset because she had heard a ‘horrible rumour’ about me. A horrible rumour, those two words have stuck with me ever since and if that was a horrible rumour image what she will think when she finds out her only daughter is actually her son. It is a feel that nothing can compare to, I can deal with being hated and disowned but I can not deal with more disappointed looks. It is the look you get that says I love you I do i just hate what you are putting me and this family through, it makes you the family freak show and no one wants that. All I want is a family that I do not have to hide from, one I feel comfortable expressing myself to, but I don’t and I never will. It is eating me up.
When starting life, no one gives you an instruction manual on how to fix your problems, no one explain all the pain and hurt you are going to have to face, all the people you will lose, all the hate you will get. No one is there to say mate life is going to throw everything it possibly can at you to try and pull you down, and then you will see there is two options. One you give up, you end the pain, you end the hate, you end everything or two you keep going, you push through, you do not let it pull you down. So far I have pushed on but one person can only deal with so much before it eats them up inside. I need to let it all out, I want to tell the world I am not a girl and save myself from more pain. However, this will only save me from having to hide, it will not save me from peoples reactions to coming out.
We all have a story and a life that we are living. Everyone’s is unique to them and everyone goes through different experiences, both good and bad. It is this that shapes us as a person and right now I want to make a difference. I want to make someone’s life better that it currently is. My generation I believe is going to conquer coming out. No one is going to feel the need to ‘come out’ when my kids are my age, and you know why. Because they will live in a society that does not care whether you’re gay, bisexual, lesbian, straight, non binary, male, female, gender neutral, gender fluid, transgender, people will accept people for people, we will use whatever pronouns that person wants and everyone will love whoever they want to love. My kids will not have to come home and tell me they are gay, they will come home and introduce me to their boyfriend or girlfriend and I will treat them with the utmost respect.
One day I will come out and live the life I want to live. But before that happens I want anyone reading this and feeling the same as me to realise you are not alone. There is always someone to talk to, keep looking up something good maybe just around the corner.