Is this just a fantasy

I have not posted anything for awhile now because me coming out as trans has died down and it seems to have faded out. I am struggling to keep up this ‘phase’ as people often refer to it as being. I am beginning to give up on everything, I am no longer sure that it is worth all the hassle. Yes I know I should be who I want to be and ignore everyone else’s opinions but I cant. I have not actually received any hate since I came out but everyone seems to have given up using the correct pronouns for me and I do not like correcting people all the time. I want to be able to tell my family because then I feel I could begin the change properly and everyone would have to start using he/him pronouns due to being an actual guy.

I talked to the transgender officer at university and he was very helpful at making me feel less like an alien. He encouraged me to join the LGBT society at uni so that I could meet others in the same boat as me. I am hoping once I join and I have a group of friends around me who understand exactly what I am going through it will make things easier.

I feel like I should stop pretending it is all running smoothly and being trans is great because it’s not and I should go back into the closet until I move out and no longer have to worry about how my family will respond. Then I think about how long I have been hiding for and whether I can cope hiding for much longer. I wish I could talk to a professional about it all, if anyone has experience with counsellors I’d love to know how it went.

Other than all of this that is happening the rest of my life is actually going pretty good. I finished two big essays the other day and now just have one essay and a presentation left before uni is over for the year. I am so pleased with how I have done this year and hope next year runs just as smoothly.


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