Rough round the edges

Things are tough at the minute, its hard knowing what I want to be and not be able to be it. I really wish I was brave and could turn around and tell everyone look I’m a dude, but it’s not that simple. Nothing is ever that simple. I really want to go to see a doctor and get this sorted, however I don’t feel I can start talking to doctors until I have told my family, I owe them that. Also, a doctor what touch me until I have lived as a man for a year to make sure it is definitely what I want, which again means telling family. They are only just getting over me having girlfriends and I came home with my first girlfriend three years ago, telling them I’m now a straight guy is really going to throw them.

How do people do this and stay sane? I feel like I’m losing myself the more I am trying to find myself. I’m struggling to stay in the here and now, I struggle to sit with friends because I just can’t keep my head in one place. My partner is the most amazing girl staying with me through all this, I’ve thrown so much at her that she has to deal with but she just takes it on. Not only is she carrying herself through this world she is also carrying me, and when I doubt myself she is always their to keep pushing me. She is the one who encouraged me to come out and be who I want to be, not who society thinks I should be, I owe her my life.

On top of all this I am also juggling my part time job as well as uni life too. I had my first exam the other day and it was really simple. I was thinking omg it’s going to be really stressful but i think I’ve encountered that much stress in my life that one little 2 hour exam is nothing to me now.

Next step is to tell the university I am transgender so that both students and lecturers alike refer to me as a male. Tune in next time to see how that goes.

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